Been away

Yo.
I've been away for a while because I kinda burned myself out on the sculpting but I've been rehabilitating painting infinity dudes and I think I'll be back to sculpting soon so watch this space.

It turns out I'm mental

I've got ADHD. 

To be more specific I've been very recently diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder - Predominantly Inattentive. I'm 33 years old by the way.

I don't know what exactly to say about this condition.

I wanted to share it and I know some folks read the blog here.

I want to tell you what it's like for me. Both to live like this so far and to learn the news; which was shocking, expectable, relieving and infuriating.

You can read wherever you like about the condition and the symptoms but on a more personal level I wanted to tell you how it feels.

It feels like you're floating through life with nothing to hold on; being constantly and violently thrown around a tumultuous ocean scape catching fleeting glimpses of things to hold on to, touching them for a moment and they disappear again.

Things don't make sense, there's no order to what's happening. No plan you make ever takes hold. Everything evaporates, disintegrates and vanishes. You don't know why, where has time gone, why all your potential and ability never coalesce and manifest in any meaningful way.

You are always a stranger, a strange person, a weirdo. My social skills are severely lacking. Always an outsider. Even among the outsiders. Friends, with whom you've shared a strong bond of love, float away and disappear. I can't even maintain a close relation with my immediate relatives. I just forget, I get distracted. I can't mobilise the mental energy to maintain the relationships. Social interaction is exhausting and confusing.

You lose things. You neglect things. You avoid things.

It's disappointment after disappointment. Failure follows failure. You don't know why. The only thing that keeps you going is sheer dogged determination. Faith, or belief, that despite it all you must make something of yourself. Even when I win a battle, I learned to prepare myself for inevitably losing the war.

I can't afford to allow myself to feel hope.

A mental health professional, an expert in the field, has advised me that I have a severe case of ADHD-PI. I've went home in an emotional turmoil. I had expected, or wanted to learn, that something really was wrong with me. That it wasn't who I am, that it wasn't my fault; and it really wasn't.

I've got a condition, a dysfunction.

Now perhaps, there is another way for me to be. A different sort of way for me to live, to be able to keep track of things, to organize myself, to mobilize my abilities, to focus, to attend to things. I suspect that it is nothing short of being actually present in my own life rather than simply hanging on a raging beast.
I desperately want to believe that. I hope for it, intellectually.

I can't say that I regret not having found about it sooner. The course of my life has shaped who I am. Being like myself is an essentially good thing, a growing experience. I've learned humility, for sure.
I'm also incredibly frustrated.
I'm full of blind rage.
I'm sad and afraid, dejected, despondent.
Then again, I do regret it. What have I lost? Some things I've gained, sure, but so much has been lost.

It's futile though, to dig into what might have been.

Things might have been worse, couldn't they?
I'm so thankful for what I have. My family, the people in my life (even though they've been carried away by the waves) my work, my skills and abilities. I'm looking forward, as I ever have. I'm still determined. Still dogged; persevering.

I'm so grateful to have been diagnosed. Better late, than never.

Now I understand myself a bit better, maybe. I can have compassion for my self.

I can start to get better?

Yo, I'm back.

I've been home a couple of days. If you didn't know, I'm an Israeli. Israel has mandatory 3 year conscription for all 18 year olds. Some conscripts do combat service, we call combat servicemen "warriors" or "fighters". Of those, a part go on to do mandatory reserve service. Not everyone finishes their full term in combat duty and even less stay onboard for reserve. I enjoy it and consider myself lucky to be able to take part in it.

You can read some more about it here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Israel_Defense_Forces#Reserve_service

On patrol

Night ops

This kitten was abandoned by its mother - the door says "no entry". ;)

Currently I'm taking care of it at home, feeding it and what not

The LBV is a tad small

The new fashion in strap attachment.

A few words about the strap connection -  in the IDF we carry the weapon either across the shoulder - barrel down, or slung on the neck for use in action. The built in strap connection on the AR-15 and variants is for carrying the weapon on one shoulder - barrel up. That's why we use a bit of paracord or some other connection method to attach the strap. Though I used to connect the strap to the front sight in the past I recently came to the conclusion (after seeing some others) that this method (middle connection) is far preferable. The main reason is that connecting to the front sight will either obstruct the sight in some situations and/or the gas return tube heats up which might melt the paracord.

Away on camping trip

Don't worry, I'll be back soon. In the meantime here's a picture.